Hello, interfolk. This is the first in a series of weekly articles that would be a podcast if I went through the trouble of recording it. This week...
In a recent news story, three bear cubs were found in a box by the side of the road. The cubs were in good health and were sent to bear shelters. It was basically a human interest piece minus the human part and was mostly just an opportunity to air cute animal footage. The interesting point of the story was completely glossed over and that is: why did it happen? Is someone going through the woods and boxing baby bears? Why would they abandon them? It doesn’t make sense. Maybe it was the mama bear trying to give her cubs a better life. If you swap out the box for a wicker basket, it fits the scenario pretty closely. The side of the road is the equivalent of the front step of civilization. Of course, we'll never know. There wasn't a note because bears have notoriously bad penmanship. It’s probably a trade off with unicycle skills in which case, they made the right choice.
Meanwhile in Russia, brown bears in the Kronotsky Nature Reserve are throwing away their futures on substance abuse. Their mothers are undoubtedly disappointed. These delinquents have been collecting discarded fuel barrels for the purposes of getting high. They roll them into the woods and huff the fumes. Afterwards, the stoned bears plant themselves face up in lightly dug trenches in the snow and look at the sky. It’s this kind of behavior that makes bears such bad news.
All last month, there was an unusual commercial on television. It was an ad for the 4.5 foot hunk of love bear. A teddy bear, even an oversized one, isn’t that strange. It was the commercial itself. It showed guys giving hunk of love bears to their respective lady friends followed by a shrug and a sly look to the camera like they’re getting away with something. For the rest of the commercial, those guys are nowhere to be seen and the women are in bed making fuck eyes with bears. It’s a stand-in. The only thing missing from this boyfriend build-a-bear is a devastating cock. Luckily, it’s big enough to fit with a suitable strap-on.
Up next a fake email
Sam Jarvistonson, a fictitious reader from the fictitious city of Kataloosta, OK, writes,
“Has anyone ever sneezed so hard, they pooped out a baby?”
Thanks Sam. That’s a great question and the answer may surprise you. That answer is “I don’t know.” Thanks for writing.
If you’re a real reader with a question for a highly skilled expert like myself, you can email it to email@example.com. You can also follow us on twitter at @unitedcypher and watch out for bears.