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Listening Guide

This section will feature the cream-of-the-crop, the best of the best when it comes to unitedcypher productions.  New to the site?  This is the perfect way to get an introduction to what we do!

"unitedcypher presents" is our improv radio show where nearly anything can happen, though it's mostly a compilation of our collective life experiences mixed with a bucket of lies and half-cocked accents.   

 WTTS THE TITS 

 Oddball radio personalities Brent "Big Rock" Stone & Tha Shark hijack unitedcypher's improv show, bringing their own sound effects, bumpers and even an advertiser along with them!  

These guys are most deffinately strung out and up to little good, despite trying to stick to the show's format which they apparently despise.  Their weekly-top-40 cocaine-tweeked personas will make you smile.

 

 Paranaelianomoly 

The Mysteries of the Universe are unveiled!  Join ex-scientist and Poleitsher Prize winning war correspondant Paul Miller as he interviews a war veteran who was allegedly abducted and brain-raped by aliens, the publisher and co-author of a book on the aforementioned brain-rape, and a skeptic who thinks that both of them are denying the truth.... About Spacesquatch! 

 

 "Motion Picture Meltdown" is a movie review podcast without the sponsors or the prestigious hollywood trappings.  It is produced by Stephen and hosted by Stephen, Mark, Philip and the occasional guests.  It's a fast paced show that's hilarious from start to finish.

Ice to the Third Power!

Stephen, Mark, Philip & Travis ( of unitedcypher presents ) divulge their colorful opinions regarding two of the cheesiest movies John Carpenter has ever concocted - Anaconda and Ghosts of Mars.  The gang exposes snake innards, 'dangerous criminals' and the mystery of the movie that's basically a remake of an old Carpenter movie with that naked chick from Species.

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Sunday
Mar242013

Da Bears

Hello, interfolk.  This is the first in a series of weekly articles that would be a podcast if I went through the trouble of recording it.  This week...

Bears

In a recent news story, three bear cubs were found in a box by the side of the road.  The cubs were in good health and were sent to bear shelters.  It was basically a human interest piece minus the human part and was mostly just an opportunity to air cute animal footage.  The interesting point of the story was completely glossed over and that is: why did it happen?  Is someone going through the woods and boxing baby bears?  Why would they abandon them?  It doesn’t make sense.  Maybe it was the mama bear trying to give her cubs a better life.  If you swap out the box for a wicker basket, it fits the scenario pretty closely.  The side of the road is the equivalent of the front step of civilization.  Of course, we'll never know.  There wasn't a note because bears have notoriously bad penmanship.  It’s probably a trade off with unicycle skills in which case, they made the right choice.

Meanwhile in Russia, brown bears in the Kronotsky Nature Reserve are throwing away their futures on substance abuse.  Their mothers are undoubtedly disappointed.  These delinquents have been collecting discarded fuel barrels for the purposes of getting high.  They roll them into the woods and huff the fumes.  Afterwards, the stoned bears plant themselves face up in lightly dug trenches in the snow and look at the sky.  It’s this kind of behavior that makes bears such bad news.

 

All last month, there was an unusual commercial on television.  It was an ad for the 4.5 foot hunk of love bear.  A teddy bear, even an oversized one, isn’t that strange.  It was the commercial itself.  It showed guys giving hunk of love bears to their respective lady friends followed by a shrug and a sly look to the camera like they’re getting away with something.  For the rest of the commercial, those guys are nowhere to be seen and the women are in bed making fuck eyes with bears.  It’s a stand-in.  The only thing missing from this boyfriend build-a-bear is a devastating cock.  Luckily, it’s big enough to fit with a suitable strap-on.

Up next a fake email

Sam Jarvistonson, a fictitious reader from the fictitious city of Kataloosta, OK, writes,

“Has anyone ever sneezed so hard, they pooped out a baby?”

Thanks Sam.  That’s a great question and the answer may surprise you.  That answer is “I don’t know.”  Thanks for writing.

If you’re a real reader with a question for a highly skilled expert like myself, you can email it to unitedcypher@gmail.com.  You can also follow us on twitter at @unitedcypher and watch out for bears.


 

Reader Comments (1)

If I found 4 bears on the side of the road I'd definitely keep them as pets =)

April 7, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterScrabble Blogger

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